Some Wine and Some Whining

I had been staying at Salton's parents' house for the holiday weekend.  It was... I don't really know how to explain it.  I saw a lot of things, drank a lot of wine, and went to a lot of places like Napa Valley, but it just wasn't the same without him there.  I posted a while ago about how the 4th is a pretty special time for us and it always will be.  But I realized this time just how much it means to me.

Last time, we were together, alone on the beach at night.  It was foggy, cold, quiet and intimate.  This time, wow what a change.  The weather was so nice that the crowds came rolling in.  The beach was anything but quiet, and the opposite of intimate.  The lack of fog meant more people from the city (San Fran) wanted to spend their holiday at the beach.  Who can blame them really?  It seemed like half the city had migrated to the small beach town where Salton's parents live.

Strangely though, even with all the commotion, I couldn't stop thinking about last year.  How I complained about the fog and the cold and how I just wanted to be back in San Diego where it was clear and warm.  If only I could go back and take those few minutes of complaining away, and enjoy the cold, foggy, empty beach in the arms of Salton... how much better it would have been to just take in that time we had together a little more.

We both want more memories like that.  It's looking like he won't stay in the Navy now.  He just thinks he's missing too much, and I guess he has a point.  But as I reminded him... he was in the Navy when we made that memory, so it's possible to make more even while he's in.

Deployment's hard on both of us.  You would think it gets easier the closer we get to the end, but it has actually been getting harder.  For a while, we had more arguments and hurt feelings because he was changing and I'm so stubborn that I don't back down.  He was getting more distant with each week and I was trying to figure out why and snap him out of it.   We both know it's just the stress of the deployment, being around emotionless and insensitive guys for months at a time, but we had to have a serious discussion, with a whole lot of tears.  It wasn't easy, but I think... I hope... we'll be OK for the remainder.

I can't figure out if it's the anticipation of his return, or the fact that it's just more days that he's been gone, or if it's the holiday that meant so much to us... that for the first time we spent apart and was so entirely different than when we were together.  Either way, he needs to be home already.  I miss him more than ever.

I don't like it.

Screaming Banshee!

AAAAH!!!!!  I got a picture!

The whole thing is, I have been begging Salton to take some pictures while he's out.  Of anything really - birds, the ship, ports, signs, a rock - I didn't care.  I just wanted to feel like I was experiencing some of the same things he was.  I've never been to these places.  Sure, I've been on the ship, but not while it was out of the country.  I wanted so badly to just feel like a part of this whole thing.  So having pictures would have been the only way and he just would not take any, ever.

Today, I actually got pictures of all sorts of random things.  Dozens of ordinary pictures and then... him.  It was him!  A picture of my husband!  I haven't seen even a picture of him since deployment started (wait, I lie... one time we tried to Skype but that failed miserably).  I screamed like a banshee.  I'm surprised no one called the police.  God, it was so nice to see his face.  And he looks so good, despite that funny sailor tan from wearing his uniform all the time.

I can't get over this.  This is seriously amazing.

Now that I'm really reading this, I almost want to laugh.  Anyone that hasn't been through this is probably not going to know the extent of my excitement about this one, single picture of my husband and two others in a bar, drinking, with a major tan line... in the shirt I bought him.  He looked better than I even thought he would.  Better than any picture I already had of him.  Better than he did in my memories.

He's been working out.  Oh god, I look like a fat-ass compared to him.  I'm going to have to do something about that.

Flower Power!

Oh yeah, I got flowers for no reason.  OK, well he says they were for no reason other than he just loves me and wanted to do something nice for me.  I almost feel like it's because we've been arguing off and on about random things - mostly the baby topic.  But, I'll enjoy them just the same no matter if they're "just because" or "stop arguing with me please." :)  It was thoughtful and unexpected either way.  And either way, I cried when I saw them.

I posted a pic on Facebook.  I want everyone to be jealous that I have a super thoughtful husband.

Here Comes the Rain

Arguments upon arguments.  You've got to be kidding me.  I don't know if I should just brace myself, shut up, or argue back.  I seem to always take the argue back then sob hysterically route.  Perhaps that's not the right way to do this...

Easter Postponed Till July 4

This weekend was Easter weekend and I was scheduled to go up to San Fran to see Salton's parents and brother.  You know... the family deal.  Well, anyway, I won't get into what exactly happened down here in San Diego, but it just didn't work out and I wasn't able to go.  I kept thinking that if he were here, plans would have gone much better.  I've really come to rely on that extra help.  He would have made sure everything was taken care of so that we could go.

At least the flight wasn't wasted.  I discovered that Southwest loves its customers.  At the last minute... the night before my flight was scheduled to leave, I canceled it and actually got the full amount I spent as a credit to a future flight.  Great news, considering I still didn't have a flight up to San Fran yet for July 4.

The 4th is super special to Salton and I - it's one of our "anniversaries."  Not a wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of when I knew without a doubt I had to be with him.  I won't bore you with the story... just take my word for it.  It's an awesome time for us.

This year, I'll spend it where we spent our first 4th together.  Only, I'll be sans-Salton.  Not ideal, but hey, since my Easter flight was postponed until July, this time I'll get Easter and the 4th all in one.

How's that for a silver lining?

POA or PIA, Your Choice

What a cluster-f@#&!!!  Ladies (and gents if you spouses are male) before your spouse goes on deployment... get a Power of Attorney.  It makes life so much easier.

Salton made one tiny mistake on his taxes before sending them in and I didn't get the forms back until a couple days ago.   They're due back in 10 days with the changes and his signature.  If I had POA, I could attach a copy and sign it myself.  Can I send it back to the ship, have him sign it and send it back to the IRS in time?  Perhaps... Or will I have to resort to drastic measures?  We'll see!

But seriously, POA... get one, or you'll have a PIA.. Pain in A$$.

Also, screw this pros and cons thing.  I'm feeling lazy and I don't want to force myself to come up with something clever if it doesn't come naturally.  Tonight it's clearly not coming naturally.  I'm stressed out and can't sleep.

So much fun! YAY deployment!

One Month In: The Breakdown

Yes, it's really already been over a month now and in case you haven't noticed, I've been too busy to post in here.  Between work and spending time with this great group of wives I met that first night, I've honestly been too busy to even realize that so much time has already gone by.

However, this doesn't mean I haven't had time to think about my husband.  I finally hit that point a week ago where I was just a blubbering, sobbing mess for two days straight.  The only pauses were during work hours.  Here's how this all went down:

I was having an awful day at work - getting really stressed out and just felt like shit in general, thanks to my boss.  When I left work that evening, I got in my car and started driving.  Normally, when Salton was home, if I had a bad day I would call him.  This day, when I went to pick up the phone to call him and remembered that there is no way for me to do that, the flood gates opened.  I don't know how I made it home, because I sure as hell couldn't see where I was going through the tsunami of tears.  Then I got home and it just continued.  I used to be able to come home and just seeing him there was all I needed to remind me that "this" is the stuff that matters in life; not some random job, but love.

The next morning I was absolutely dreading going to work and thought I should just call out because I knew it wasn't going to be a good day for me.  While I was in the parking lot at work, waiting for 8:00 exactly before I even went in, I cried like a baby.  What a wonderful way to start my day.

I was just having the worst two days at work, so during lunch, I got in my car and sobbed again.  I didn't even eat lunch because I couldn't stop crying long enough.  Got off work hours later and once I was back in my car going home, it happened again.  I was a total mess.  I couldn't get rid of this stress that had built up, and hadn't realized how much I really relied on my husband to make that stress disappear until now.  Now that I don't have him to come home to or at least to call, I have no complete release for this.

So, that's my breakdown story.  Amazing the things we... well I was going to say take for granted, but I never actually took his company for granted.  I guess it just took one stressful work day for me to really realize the extent of my reliance on my husband.  This whole time I've had little frustrations with work, but just seeing him, feeling his arms around me, being able to talk to him whenever I wanted... all of that made work seem so trivial and not worth getting upset over.  That companionship is something that I've grown accustomed to already and to finally notice that I didn't have it was killing me.

I took the next day off work.

Pro: I made it a month without a breakdown

Con: I might not make it six more without another

Deep Dark Facebook Depression

I'm probably going to be a little blunt in this post, so if you're one of my fellow navy wives... there's your warning.


There are certain things that Facebook friends don't want to know, shouldn't know, or don't care about.  Your total state of depression is one of those things.  If you're posting every hour or two about how much you miss your husband, how lonely you are, how much "the waiting game sucks ass btw :((( " then you've got a serious problem and probably need more help than facebookers can provide.  Get a job maybe.  Take a class.  Get up off your ass and go for a walk.  Find some friends.  Get a dog.  Basically, grow some balls of independence and self-reliance.


Some tips from me to you: If you're so depressed about being alone, don't count down the days or even weeks until your husband returns from deployment; it will only make it seem longer and each day will drag on.  Don't curl up by your lonely self and eat a whole cake (I kid you not, these are all real life examples).  And most of all don't watch The Notebook!  Any woman with common sense knows that movie will have you sobbing like a baby even on your best days.

We've got several months to go, so if your feelings of negativity, abandonment, resentment, spite, anger, loneliness, sadness, etc are already getting so bad that they are all you can talk about on facebook... dear god, I don't think you'll make it past the third month without a "/wrists" status update.


I've found that being upset over the things you can not control, only seem to make the things you CAN control that much worse.  So, find something to laugh about, even if you're laughing at yourself.  I laugh at myself all the time.  It's not hard... I say and do some really dopey things...it's just my nature, being blonde and all.  Also, your husband is out in the middle of the ocean, or who knows where, so try to make it a little less about "you."  He knows you are probably not the happiest camper right now, but there's nothing he can legally do about it.  Sending sad, whiney emails or letters to him are not going to make him, or you, feel any better about the situation.  Be supportive, make him laugh... he'll love you more for that than any "omg why did u leave, i hate the navy, blaaah" messages you send.


Sure, we all get sad and miss our sailors, and it's perfectly fine to vent.  But we need to make sure those negative feelings don't consume us, or the people around us.  Don't think that just because my facebook posts are generally goofy like "pimpin aint easy," that it means I don't miss my husband or love him as much as the next woman.  I'm just trying to bring a little laughter into others' lives instead of sadness. 


Positivity is key.  Instead of thinking about him being gone or leaving you, keep in mind that he will come back.  He's not gone forever.  He's safe and in good hands.  And meanwhile, you get to burp and fart and forget to do your hair or your makeup.. and do other non-lady-like things that would otherwise make you seem very unattractive to him if he were here.  I didn't shower Saturday and I sat around all day in the same clothes I slept in.  It was fun!  Enjoy it while you can sisters!  They'll be back before you know it.

Pro: The nifty little "Hide posts by this user" feature on facebook means I don't have to see those frequent complainers complaining

Con: I will have less to write in my blog about :D

That Tingly Feeling Down There

Just discovered one of the worst parts about deployment. Sure, I could do "it" myself, but really I'm too lazy and it's not the same anyway.  I miss just lying there making noises.  It's fun and I don't have to think about anything.

Maybe it'll just go away.

Yeah, right...

Pro: Um, really is there a pro here? Oh yeah ok well I guess there's no clean-up if nothing's happening.

Con: NOTHING'S HAPPENING!

If You're Gonna Make Me Cry...

Oh it was too good to last.

One of the other wives took a video of the ship leaving the pier.  It was shaky, not even cool, didn't show anyone being emotional, and the song selection was awful. If you're gonna make me cry, do it right.  I didn't really get the feeling of total abandonment, nor did I see wives bawling their eyes out and curling up in the fetal position on the ground.  Pathetic.  She's not going to win any awards for that videography.

It was a rather dull, uninspired short film.  And I cried.  Not hysterically, but real tears nonetheless.  I couldn't help thinking to myself, "this is awful - I shouldn't have watched this." But I couldn't stop myself.  I watched it about five times in a row.  That awful excuse for a mini-documentary.  Horrible, I tell ya.  But it did something to me.  Salton was not standing on the ship; he was inside the Pilot House.  In the video, I could see the window where he would be standing...and I searched, with squinted eyes, to see if I could catch a glimpse of him.  I would settle for a shadow, or a blur, or the tip of his cover... I saw nothing but the window.  And it made me wish I would have stayed to watch the ship leave in person.  He could have seen me, even if I couldn't have seen him.  I could have been that one person, in that awful excuse for a mini-documentary, that was visibly sad to see the ship depart.  I may not have been in the fetal position on the pier, but no doubt in my mind that even Salton, up there in the Pilot House, three or four stories high, behind a window I couldn't see through, would have been able to hear me crying.


Pro: I can watch it as often as I want here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MERxhLWU2vU
Con: I probably will watch it as often as I want...

First 24

It's been 24 hours so far since the ship left and I've been taking it surprisingly well.  I have no idea why or how.  Here's a basic run-down of my past 24 hours:

Hour 1 - Salton said goodbye. I cried. Got in my car and sobbed for about 5 seconds, then drove home.
Hour 2 - Thought about cleaning up his mess, but I didn't.  Would make it all seem too "real" for me for now perhaps.  I watched tv and ate lunch.
Hours 3-5 - Mind was reeling.  Thinking about the deployment and what I'm going to do, how I'm going to react, what it's going to be like when he comes back, etc.
Hours 6-11 - Dinner with a few other wives. It was nice. We talked for a long time about our lives, jobs, where we're from, and about our husbands (probably my most favorite topic). I realized that Salton provided me with some of the most romantic stories to share.  Our relationship, the proposal, our wedding.. all fantastic. It's been a while since anyone has asked me to share our story, so I had forgotten how romantic and spontaneous and full of love our short life together has been.  I can't help but to be proud of my husband for what he has done for our lives.  He's pretty amazing.
Hour 12 - Home.  Feeling damn good about our relationship.  Seriously, it's like my soul is smiling.  Saw my first email from Salton and felt even better.
Hours 13-15 - Put on Salton's sweat pants, nearly tripping myself walking downstairs in those things. Thought wearing my husband's clothes could be hazardous to my safety. Played video games.  Shh!  I like video games.
Hours 15-22 - Asleep. Woke up sprawled across the whole bed.  It's MINE now.  Mine, all mine!
Hours 22-24 - Salton and I emailed each other back and forth and I talked on the phone to my mom and his.

So perhaps the fact that he's gone will hit me harder down the road a bit, or perhaps I did my grieving already.  I'm not sure.  I've missed him this whole time, but only get sad about it every now and then.  I haven't been sad enough that I break down in tears, aside from that first goodbye.  I read how a few other wives are cleaning and doing this or that to keep themselves occupied so they don't think about it.  But honestly, I've been openly talking about it for the past couple months so I don't really think I have anything that I need to keep my mind off of.  It's done.  He's gone.  But, he'll be back.

Pro: Soul is still smiling.  I couldn't ask for a better husband.
Con: Stomach is growling.  No husband here to make me food anymore :(

Is Everyone Ready?

A post on Facebook by one of the wives of a sailor on Salton's ship says, "Just wondering if everyone is ready for deployment?"  I was about to comment back calling her a dumb bitch, but thought maybe I should just not say anything at all.  I doubt I will ever be "ready for deployment."  And if there was ever a time when I could answer that question with a "Yes, I am ready for the Navy to take my husband away for more than half the year" then, at that point, I should probably reevaluate my marriage.


Dumb bitch.


Deployment's coming up in less than a week.  And in case any readers needed clarification, no... no, I am not "ready."